So you wake up one day, and something is off. Everyone is even more of a zombie than usual, even after taking into account that it’s 6:30 AM on a Monday. So what do you do? This is a guide on what you need to do to survive this absurdly unlikely event.

1. Your first order of business will be acquiring the nearest weapon. In fact, anything will do. If modern media has taught us anything about zombies, it’s that cutting through them is easy, despite going through bones or even using a blunt object. Bones are famous for their glass-like properties, and crowbars are well known for their incredible sharpness.

2. Once you have a weapon in hand, you are obliged to find as many other survivors as possible, despite the inherent unlikeliness, and not having secured resources to survive first. You will find a handful of others whose personality will most likely fit into one of these categories: Gritty survivalist, born leader, naive female, nerdy poindexter, self-sacrifice, altruist, or gruesome example. As researchers have proven time and time again, zombie apocalypses cause increased levels of arousal towards the opposite sex at the most inconvenient times. Expect at least one romantic twist between survivors, and if a love triangle occurs, the loser will become zombie chow. Note that while two males will fight for the love a female, the reverse is not true. Scientists are still trying to determine the cause of this particular social behavior as of the time of the writing of this guide.

3. Your choice of safe-house will always be the most horrible possible choice. You’ll most likely be driven inside of it by a zombie horde, and be forced to take shelter. Here, everyone will pour out their life story, at which point you may doze off for the next twenty minutes. When it is your turn, be incredibly vague and conceal as much of your past as possible, but do not actively lie. This will either make everyone either intrigued, distrustful, or both. In children, it will make them want to come up to you and try to become your friend. Do not forget to utilize the children as leverage, should you ever be threatened by the group.

4. After that, everyone will begin discussing the next plan of action, to either hold out for the military, or to flee to a rumored safe haven. The next few days should boringly pass by. Do not concern yourself with food or water until supplies start to run low. When this happens, venturing out into the undead lands will be necessary. Travel in groups, as zombies have a habit of silently striking anyone out of sight for more than 3 seconds. This will always occur after resources have been gathered, and either one of two things will occur; either the person will die, or they will be saved, but nearly if not all resources gathered will be lost.

• Should you decide to stay put: If you decide to stay put, your group will have to survive a massive zombie onslaught. This will transpire on the exact day that everyone is about to starve to death and/or a special project to survive is nearly completed. In the ensuing battle, at least one person will be taken and will last until either the military arrives and saves everyone, or the project is completed. This project will work perfectly but someone, most likely you, will have to sacrifice themselves to allow the others to live.

• Should you decide to flee to the haven: If you decide to flee, your vehicle will always fail. No matter how new or reliable the vehicle is, it will stop functioning at the most inconvenient time, and no way to fix it for miles. Your destination will also be extremely far away, making it necessary to find a new vehicle, which will always be through a horde of the undead. When you reach the vehicle, have a camera, as the exit with said vehicle will always involve going over a ramp, through the undead, or both, and will look totally awesome.

• When you arrive at your destination: One of three things will happen: You’ll all be saved, it will be abandoned, or there will be nothing there. If the second or third case occurs, please start a new civilization on the site, and name it either something involving safety, hope, religion, or new and the place you left from. For further help with restarting humanity, please purchase our next guide, Rebuilding Civilization: A Micromanagement Guide.